OP ED: It’s All Fun and Games Until No One Told Me that My Stall is Out Of Toilet Paper!

I have always been skeptical of group auditions. Auditions where you have to “work as a team,” or “listen and respond,” or “pay attention to someone other than yourself Lianna!” Auditioning is zero sum game. If YOU are playing Jojo The Who in Ahren and Flaherty’s Seussical the Musical, it means that I am not (here’s looking at you Aaron Carter circa 2001.) That being said, when the NY Scabies Dance Team posted a call on Hackstage, I knew that I should audition--despite the dreaded words on the breakdown: “This will be a group audition.”

In the room they stressed teamwork, and supporting one another. They said we should try to have some real fun. And you know what? I did. I threw my insecurity and annoyance aside and really got into the music (the club remix of Defying Gravity). When it was time to go across the floor, I cheered on every woman as she leapt--yes, even the bad ones! Before I knew it, I had given in to the feeling of sisterhood and bliss, wishing that everyone in the room would get to be a Scabie one day. For the first time, I actually enjoyed a group audition.

And then, when it was to piss away an hour’s worth of nervous pee, NO ONE TOLD ME THAT THE STALL WAS OUT OF TOILET PAPER. That’s some underhanded shit. Trapped, alone and feeling betrayed, I shuffled over to Butch’s Oasis Cafe to ask for some rolls. All of my fears were suddenly real: You all wanted me to walk around with wet undies. You all wanted me to fail. Sisterhood died that day, along with my favorite leotard.

I guess all this is to say, you better I hope that I am flyer and not a catcher.