BREAKING: The Accompanist Knows You’re a Fraud

Seasoned audition accompanist Hannah Jurmand has played for enough auditions to spot a fraud when she sees one. Although your smile might say “I got this,” the terror in your eyes says "I haven't done a musical since high school!"

Make no mistake, from the moment you plopped that book down in front of her, Jurmand knew that you were doing it wrong. All wrong. Sources report that Jurmand physically tensed when she saw the 16-bar cut of “Journey to the Past” that you planned on botching. Apparently, you offended her even further by counting the way you did, you fucking idiot. Do better.

The way you self-consciously looked over your shoulder to check if she was ready to start was yet another tell that you have not a single clue what you were doing, you fool. Jurmand was BORN ready. And although the people behind the table might not be able to see exactly what the rhythm is, but Jurmand sees all and you’re really not nailing it.

Oh goddamnit, we are now receiving reports that the director would like to hear something else. As you flip desperately flip through your pathetic little book of overdone nonsense, Jurmand is counting the moments until break, when she will go to the bodega, buy a sugar-free Red Bull and down it in three large gulps.

You take your book back and Jurmand refuses to look at you. She thinks your take on the Anastasia would have the Romanov family rolling in their graves. SAD! She shakes her head as you exit the room, fuming. Luckily, sources report that the creative team hasn’t asked Jurmand for her opinion in years, so you’re good. You made it you little phoney you!