MTA Decides to Bring Actor’s Career to an Abrupt End

Citing the fact that “it was her time” and “she deserved it” the MTA chose Monday to end the career of Maria Repolit, an actress residing in Astoria, Queens. Having spent a relaxing morning selecting the perfect outfit for her “Elf” non-union tour appointment, Repolit left her apartment with what she believed to be plenty of time. “I figured I would get to 8th Ave, grab a coffee and still have plenty of time to wait for the elevator at Ripley,” recounted Repolit, as she wiped away her tears.

However, the odds were not in favor of Repolit, as MTA officials singled her out for disaster. Acting MTA Chairman, Fernando Ferrer said in an official statement, “This morning the MTA board of directors voted unanimously to end Miss Repolit’s career by trapping her underground for 45 minutes, just enough time for her to miss her appointment and get sent to the bottom of an endless alternate list.”

For her part, Repolit seemed to be rapidly passing through the stages of grief while standing in front of a completely impassive monitor. By the end of the five minute outburst, she reached an inspiring epiphany: her career had ended, but her life would go on. “Maybe I’ll go back to school and become a doctor or a lawyer, like my mom always wanted” Repolit gushed, “Or maybe I’ll become a nutritionist! I’m already great at shaming people about what they eat!”

At presstime, Repolit was seen burning her metro card and purchasing a fancy pink scooter so she would never have to go underground again.