Lose Friends, Gain Focus: 7 ways to Reduce Disloyal Subscribers in the New Year!

Already feeling the negativity in the new year? Maybe your followers are to blame! Do people from home expect you to be on Broadway next week? Are you sick and tired of the relentless support of your parents’ friends? Here’s an idea--ring in the new year with fewer subscribers. Use these tips and the fair-weather followers will start dropping like flies!

1. Send your next email blast with a subject line that reads: Hi, << Test First Name >> Not only does it look like a computer virus, it’s also sure rid yourself of even the most apathetic followers.

2. Start a theatre company and send all your friends and former classmates rejection emails: It’s a fantastic way to remind everyone that you exist. Have fun and be gloriously unspecific! Sure, they didn’t audition for you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reject them!

3. Ask for money. Let’s be honest, the season of giving is over and no one wants to make a tax deductible donation in month of January. So ask for $$$ now! And be demanding. If you’re really ambitious, start a GoFundMe campaign. Those suck.

4. Beg your followers to vote for you in a meaningless contest. -You killed it as Lewis Morris in Hill Valley Regional Theater Company’s production of 1776 and the world should know! Time to hit up your subscriber base with daily requests so you can finally win that online popularity award. The award that literally no one cares about.

5.Go Live. What jackass thought this was a good idea? You did. In the age of selfies, you have the power to annoy everyone by live-streaming all your thoughts, jokes, dance moves, and God forbid...singing ability. You could spare us all, but where’s the fun in that?

6. Ask them to pick your next headshot! You shouldn’t have to do all the work when it comes to choosing the right image. Better yet, don’t do anything. Let the supporters, who know nothing about you, make this crucial decision. When in doubt, just put all 2,342 pics in a DropBox file labeled “unsorted_hs” and share them with every subscriber on your listserv. One drawback: Nana will love it and there’s nothing you can do about that.

7.ALL CAPS. Nothing says: I’M-YELLING-AT-YOU-TO-GET-YOUR-ATTENTION quite like leaving the caps lock on for all your tweets and Facebook posts. #BLESSED