Non-Equity Company to Pay Actors in Fig Newtons

Sprigg Lake, Ohio: Citing budget cuts and aging subscriber death rates, Isaac Malton, artistic director of The Sprigg Lake Regional Theater announced Monday that in 2017 he would be paying his actors exclusively in Fig Newtons. Malton defended the choice during a press conference earlier today, characterizing the Nabisco snack as “v good.”

So far, the response from the acting community has been mixed. “Fig Newtons are a grain AND a fruit, so I’m stoked!” stated Mikey Flint, who was recently offered a contract to play Conrad Birdie at Sprigg Lake 35 times a week starting in February.

Others weren’t so sure. “It’s not that I mind being paid in food, I just wish it had been Pizza. I’m pretty sure that's just for the Equity actors,” stated another performer who wished to remain anonymous in order to preserve their future casting opportunities at Sprigg Lake.

At press time, Sprigg Lake was looking into housing their performers under a spooky local bridge.

**UPDATE: Sprigg Lake has released an email to its entire listerv with the following statement: “Even if we haven’t cast you in previous shows, we would love if you would consider donating to our theater. We want to keep our doors open and those Fig Newtons aren’t gonna buy themselves. Happy Holidays to you and yours!”