MT Major’s Hearing Tragically Atrophies after Months of Not Listening

A Freshman Dorm:

Sources confirmed Friday that after a full semester of not listening, Bebe Bresiker, a musical theater major from Portland, has completely lost her ability to hear.

Bresiker, known around campus for her innate ability to bring any conversation back to herself and/or Hamilton, allegedly spent so much time singing and speaking over others that her hearing began to deteriorate from lack of use. Dr. Gary F. Steinbaum, an audiologist specializing in this type of hearing loss, acknowledged that he has seen an increase in patients reporting this issue in the past several years. According to him, the advent of social media platforms has given many people "the false impression that they are the most important voice in any room, discussion or interaction."

“This definitely has been a long time coming,” remarked one classmate, who wished to remain anonymous. “When we first met, she totally pretended to listen. She would ask ‘How are you?’ But I soon realized that she was only asking so she could tell me how she was in, excruciating detail.” By the end of freshman year, she reportedly began yelling more and more, and now, the classmate admits, “it’s become clear that she cannot hear me or anyone else. Luckily, you don’t need hearing to take a selfie. And I think she can still pursue a career doing cabarets.”

When reached for comment Bresiker stated, simply (and off topic) “I’ve been told that red is my power color!”