Miranda Saves Child, Puppies From a Burning Building:
After an incredible string of successes which included winning a Pulitzer, raising over $500,000 for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS,and being named one of Time’s most influential people, (as well as writing and starring in the Hit broadway musical Hamilton), Lin Manuel Miranda has outdone even himself.
Witnesses’ stated that during last night’s fifteen minute intermission, Miranda was seen responding to a girl’s cry ten blocks away. “He usually uses that time to draft some new legislation, or to tutor some babies, but as soon as he heard those cries he knew that he had to act fast.” Stated Miranda’s press rep.
The fire, which appeared to be gas-related, erupted around 9:30pm on 42nd street and Broadway. Although most of the tenants were able to evacuate, Emily Shoren, 7, was left home alone. “He shimmied up the building like Spiderman!” exclaimed Shoren, “After he saved my life, he left me with some healthy snacks and a copy of The Alchemist. Then he went back for my puppies!”
Rumor has it, Miranda even made it back to the Theater in time for “Thank you, Five.”
At press time, Miranda was spotted negotiating peace in Nagorno-Karabakh, and solving the world’s water crisis. He declined an interview for this piece, saying only “There’s a million things I haven’t done, But just you wait!”
