Recent BFA Graduate Not Prepared to Act, Sing, Dance, Harmonize, Play an Instrument, “Do” Shakespear

Somewhere Near NOLA:

Sources confirmed that Vanessa Pulman, class of 2015, “is literally prepared to do nothing.”

“Its really quite extraordinary how much she is incapable of” admitted Joe Pulman, Vanessa’s father. “I thought there might be a few things she would miss going to drama school, but it appears that even her grasp on the english language has gotten worse since she began conservatory.” He went on to disclose that his daughter cannot write a paper, or speak in full sentences.

When Pulman dropped his daughter off for freshman orientation, he and his wife, Karen Pullman had high hopes. “We thought maybe she would learn to sing and dance, but that was a no go.” Karen confides, “She talks vaguely about wanting to create culturally important art, but I am pretty sure she doesn’t even know who is running for president.”

Where her education apparently failed her, the social scene did not fill in the gaps. According to her roommate, Sasha Ferguson, Vanessa has been single since breaking up with her high school boyfriend early in freshman year. Stated Ferguson, “I've tried to set her up with friends, but she's pretty much incapable of holding down a relationship at this point.” Vanessa, however, appears unfazed by this fact. Ferguson added, “She loves herself enough for two people anyway.”

When asked to comment on her training Pulman answered simply and solemnly, “Sometimes if I listen to enough sad songs I can start a scene a little weepy.”